mintly | [hadriel - ic inbox]

Explain how the dryer running in the middle of the night won't be suspicious as--

[his words get slower and then peter out entirely as noah goes so red gansey can see it even in the bare light from the window, and then hides under the blankets.

then he starts laughing as he takes noah's boxers, quiet but joyful, more giddy than mocking.]

Noah, darling, you're a little bit late on getting shy now. Do you want a washcloth when I come back?

[Noah is not shy okay that is not what's going on here. Really. Truly.

He sort of gives a little nod, the movement visible from under the blanket, which he is not coming out from under, but not because he is shy. Really.]

[uh huh. of course.

there's the sound of gansey's bare feet walking away, the soft sound of water running through a closed door. he's gone for about ten minutes, which probably seems eternal when one is hiding under the covers totally not being shy at all.

the underwear do not return with him when he crawls back into bed smelling like soap, but he does bring a washcloth. under the blankets it's more or less pitch black, and he washes noah off by feel before dropping the washcloth on what passes for the nightstand. then he spoons up against noah's back just like he would on any other night.]

It's a bit stuffy under here.

[It's absolutely an eternity, to ponder the course of his life and the mistakes he has made and god he's an awful person for doing this. It helps kill any lingering arousal from seeing Gansey so gloriously shameless before.

Helpful for when Gansey joins him again under the covers and takes the initiative cleaning Noah up. That could have been bad a few minutes ago. He still lets out a small squeak before he can stop himself, though it's thankfully too quick to do much of anything.

They're just spooning, like any other night, except it isn't any other night and now Noah just has his tanktop on which feels absurd and silly since it isn't even long enough to cover anything important but somehow he feels like he can't take it off either.]

I-is it? I guess we could pull the covers down a little. Um. If it would help you sleep.

[gansey doesn't move to push the covers down. in fact, the only moving he does is to squeeze gently around noah's chest, that seatbelt arm that holds his upper body snug against gansey, and kiss the back of his neck.]

It will, but I'd rather know why you're hiding now. I...

[he stops, unsure. did noah regret it now? did he not want gansey the same way gansey wanted him? had he taken advantage of noah?]

Because I'm pretty sure I'm still blushing and I don't want you to laugh.

[Well, and the bunch of other questions and worries about oh god Ronan and Adam are going to kill him, he took advantage of Gansey, he wants to do it again kinda, spooning is way different when you don't have pants on -]

I would never laugh at you for blushing, you should know that by now. It's too cute.

[he nuzzles his face into the back of noah's neck, exhaling a sigh.]

What is it really, Noah? Did you...not want that?

[Really, calling him cute just makes Noah blush harder. Even with his anxiety about the situation, when Gansey holds him like this it's hard to not just feel so safe and warm and relaxed, even if it is a little stuffy under all the blankets.]

I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want it.

[That's... actually not entirely true maybe, but in this case it is. He did want it. God, he wanted it too much, wanted even more, still wants more.]

...I took advantage of you. Ronan and Adam are going to kill me.

[it takes gansey a moment to parse noah's words, because they're so incredibly out of left field. how did noah even moderately come to that conclusion when it was gansey who had been on top of him, holding his hands over his head?]

...what? I've been lying here thinking I must have taken advantage of you, since you're the one lying here full of regrets.

[Um yeah and Noah had been really turned on by that if Gansey hadn't noticed. Noah doesn't quite startle, because he has been getting what's on the surface of Gansey's mind even if sometimes it's hard to listen when he's wrapped up in his own head and all, but he does shift a bit to look over his shoulder back at Gansey.]

...And I'm the one with way more experience between the two of us.

[Nevermind that all of that goes out the window when Gansey kisses him, turning him weak-kneed and stupid from it.]

[oh, gansey noticed. and it turned him on more than he's exactly comfortable admitting, at least aloud, except noah's going to know anyway because gansey's mind is vastly less subtle than his facial features, and his memories of the way noah looked and felt under him are quite vivid.]

...So? You didn't take advantage of me, Noah. I've been wanting you for a long time now. I don't think they're completely oblivious, but you hardly absconded with my virtue against my will. We just...both gave in to what we'd been wanting. That's not a fault on either of our parts.

It is though, because -

[Noah goes quiet as he struggles to find the words. Gansey never seems to have trouble finding the words for things, even if they aren't always the right ones.]

Because you know where your heart is, and I'm still trying to figure mine out, and - and someday we'll go back home and I'll be dead again and I took advantage.

[gansey reaches his hand up and pets noah's hair.]

You aren't telling me anything that I don't know, although I think you know more about where your heart is than you're willing to admit.

[he sighs, softly, against the back of noah's neck, and then kisses one of his vertebrae.]

What does you being dead at home have to do with now? Unless you mean you're taking advantage of being alive, which is something I would encourage. Be alive.

[Noah shivers at the kiss. It runs right through him, and his fists clench in the blanket and - he doesn't want to talk, he wants to kiss Gansey more, to just keep kissing him all night until they're both exhausted.]

Taking advantage of what you're willing to do for me when ... when we can't have anything more than this.

[he feels the shiver of want, hears noah's hands tighten in the blankets. it's tempting to just keep kissing noah's neck until he gives in and tells gansey the truth, but instead he just rests his nose there, breathing slow, and his voice comes out soft and cajoling.]

How do you mean? We can't have any more than here and now? Because that's all that's guaranteed to anyone, their here and now. Or something else? What are you fighting?

Most people - they can at least plan for a future. Even if it isn't a guarantee it's a - a possibility.

[But it won't ever be. Not for them.]

You of all people know how I feel about my future, Noah.

[a world without glendower is nothing but a yawning stretch of emptiness. noah will die again, adam will go off to some ivy league school, ronan will go back to the barns, and gansey will...what? even with this extra time to think about it, he still can't come up with anything.]

We have a future until we don't, just like anybody else. What's wrong with now?

[he sounds a little desperate, a little afraid. gansey has been surviving on now, living by not looking too far forward into that nothingness that makes his mind seize up.]

[Noah turns then, shifting in Gansey's arms so that he can face the other boy. It's dark under the blanket, but Noah reaches out to gently trace his fingertips along Gansey's collarbone, up his neck, along his jaw until those light fingers finally trace at his lips. His voice is as quiet as his touch is light, only the muffle of the blankets keeps it close enough to hear.]

You deserve someone who can give you more than 'now'.

[gansey shivers beneath the light touch, lips pursing ot kiss noah's fingertips.]

Why is it up to you to decide what I deserve? Who is ever going to be able to give me more than 'now'? Ronan and Adam have each other. Blue...there isn't even a 'now' with Jane. If I'm her true love, then anything that begins is automatically the ending. 'Now' is what I have.

[Noah sighs softly, fingertips stilling as Gansey kisses them so gently.

He's terrible. he's taking advantage. Advantage of Gansey's kindness, of his want, of the whole situation. There's no one that deserves Gansey, not really.]

You really think you couldn't be with someone you couldn't kiss, then?

[gansey murmurs right through noah's fingers, not dislodging them to speak.]

No, that's not what I mean. It isn't that I can't kiss her, it's that there is always, always the temptation to kiss her, for her to kiss me, and temptation is much, much worse than simply being unable. I could be with someone it was impossible to kiss. Possibility is the hard part.

'Possibility is the hard part'.

[Noah quietly echoes Gansey's words. Ain't it the truth, 'Possibility is the hard part'. The possibility of having, if only briefly, it's torture. It's easier of the avenues are closed entirely, easier to let go of a want for something that's entirely out of your reach.

He takes his fingers away himself, letting them slide down to rest on Gansey's shoulder before leaning in to kiss him briefly on the lips.]

I'm sorry. I always find a way to kill the mood.

I'd almost think you were doing it on purpose.

[except he doesn't think that, it's clear from the way his arms move around noah, from the fondness in his voice.]

I still don't understand why you think you're taking advantage by giving me something--by being someone I want.

[Noah isn't sure either, to be honest. He never had this problem when he was alive - he just went with the flow, took everything as it was given and tried not to think beyond that. Loyal to those he loved, dismissive of those he didn't, because the rest of the world didn't really matter. Of course, the ones he was loyal to were never...

Maybe that's it, though.]

I think... it's just weird for me... to be able to have someone I want so badly. I ... I don't think I've ever been able to, before.

[Whelk. Blue. Something always stood in the way of the having, either lack of interest or lack of ability.

This is difficult to wrap his mind around. God, he does not want to fuck this up.]

Maybe you should give it a try. It might not be so bad, you know, having what you want.

[gansey nuzzles into noah, kissing the corner of his mouth with just the barest brush of lips.]

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