mintly | [hadriel - ic inbox]

[gansey reaches his hand up and pets noah's hair.]

You aren't telling me anything that I don't know, although I think you know more about where your heart is than you're willing to admit.

[he sighs, softly, against the back of noah's neck, and then kisses one of his vertebrae.]

What does you being dead at home have to do with now? Unless you mean you're taking advantage of being alive, which is something I would encourage. Be alive.

[Noah shivers at the kiss. It runs right through him, and his fists clench in the blanket and - he doesn't want to talk, he wants to kiss Gansey more, to just keep kissing him all night until they're both exhausted.]

Taking advantage of what you're willing to do for me when ... when we can't have anything more than this.

[he feels the shiver of want, hears noah's hands tighten in the blankets. it's tempting to just keep kissing noah's neck until he gives in and tells gansey the truth, but instead he just rests his nose there, breathing slow, and his voice comes out soft and cajoling.]

How do you mean? We can't have any more than here and now? Because that's all that's guaranteed to anyone, their here and now. Or something else? What are you fighting?

Most people - they can at least plan for a future. Even if it isn't a guarantee it's a - a possibility.

[But it won't ever be. Not for them.]

You of all people know how I feel about my future, Noah.

[a world without glendower is nothing but a yawning stretch of emptiness. noah will die again, adam will go off to some ivy league school, ronan will go back to the barns, and gansey will...what? even with this extra time to think about it, he still can't come up with anything.]

We have a future until we don't, just like anybody else. What's wrong with now?

[he sounds a little desperate, a little afraid. gansey has been surviving on now, living by not looking too far forward into that nothingness that makes his mind seize up.]

[Noah turns then, shifting in Gansey's arms so that he can face the other boy. It's dark under the blanket, but Noah reaches out to gently trace his fingertips along Gansey's collarbone, up his neck, along his jaw until those light fingers finally trace at his lips. His voice is as quiet as his touch is light, only the muffle of the blankets keeps it close enough to hear.]

You deserve someone who can give you more than 'now'.

[gansey shivers beneath the light touch, lips pursing ot kiss noah's fingertips.]

Why is it up to you to decide what I deserve? Who is ever going to be able to give me more than 'now'? Ronan and Adam have each other. Blue...there isn't even a 'now' with Jane. If I'm her true love, then anything that begins is automatically the ending. 'Now' is what I have.

[Noah sighs softly, fingertips stilling as Gansey kisses them so gently.

He's terrible. he's taking advantage. Advantage of Gansey's kindness, of his want, of the whole situation. There's no one that deserves Gansey, not really.]

You really think you couldn't be with someone you couldn't kiss, then?

[gansey murmurs right through noah's fingers, not dislodging them to speak.]

No, that's not what I mean. It isn't that I can't kiss her, it's that there is always, always the temptation to kiss her, for her to kiss me, and temptation is much, much worse than simply being unable. I could be with someone it was impossible to kiss. Possibility is the hard part.

'Possibility is the hard part'.

[Noah quietly echoes Gansey's words. Ain't it the truth, 'Possibility is the hard part'. The possibility of having, if only briefly, it's torture. It's easier of the avenues are closed entirely, easier to let go of a want for something that's entirely out of your reach.

He takes his fingers away himself, letting them slide down to rest on Gansey's shoulder before leaning in to kiss him briefly on the lips.]

I'm sorry. I always find a way to kill the mood.

I'd almost think you were doing it on purpose.

[except he doesn't think that, it's clear from the way his arms move around noah, from the fondness in his voice.]

I still don't understand why you think you're taking advantage by giving me something--by being someone I want.

[Noah isn't sure either, to be honest. He never had this problem when he was alive - he just went with the flow, took everything as it was given and tried not to think beyond that. Loyal to those he loved, dismissive of those he didn't, because the rest of the world didn't really matter. Of course, the ones he was loyal to were never...

Maybe that's it, though.]

I think... it's just weird for me... to be able to have someone I want so badly. I ... I don't think I've ever been able to, before.

[Whelk. Blue. Something always stood in the way of the having, either lack of interest or lack of ability.

This is difficult to wrap his mind around. God, he does not want to fuck this up.]

Maybe you should give it a try. It might not be so bad, you know, having what you want.

[gansey nuzzles into noah, kissing the corner of his mouth with just the barest brush of lips.]

[Except it's awful if you lose it. The potential is the worst part, just like he said. Except Noah also can't bring himself to stay away, not when Gansey's lips sweetly brush against his own like that.]

I'm trying. I promise I am.

[it is awful if you lose it. but, in gansey's opinion, it's more awful almost having it, but not quite. he runs his fingers through noah's hair, tucking the other boy's head into his neck.]

I know you are, love. And I'll wait. But don't think you're taking advantage of me when I want you. That's not a valid excuse.

[Noah gives a pleased sigh at Gansey's touch. He cuddles closer, breathes in the scent of the other boy.]

... It was really hot. The... holding the hands up.

Yeah? It was, wasn't it? I'll remember that.

[he smiles into the side of noah's head, still stroking his hair.]

The way you moved under me...you make the best little sounds.

[Noah gives a little huff, pressing his face to Gansey's shoulder to hide his blush. He was trying really hard to hide his sounds too, but... well Gansey was right there and all. With only a little hesitation, he legs his arms wrap around Gansey as well, fingertips brushing against his spine.

Even if Noah did have another little freakout, his temperature remained steady.]

Um. Glad you liked them.

[gansey's back flexes just a little at that little shivery touch to his spine, and he hums, pleased that noah finally wraps around him.]

I wish we didn't need to be quiet. Maybe someday.

[Noah smiles a little bit. He likes Gansey's back. He likes the muscles on Gansey's back.]

What, like Adam and Ronan taking a weekend vacation?

[It's supposed to be a joke.]

[not the best joke ever, but it has gansey chuckling anyway.]

Maybe someday they'll be preoccupied. Or we'll go somewhere else. Plenty of abandoned places around here, although probably a limited number of marshmallow beds.

I like the marshmallow bed too much. I'm never going to leave it. I will spend the rest of my days in it.

Well, they have to leave the house eventually, and if you're going to be spending the rest of your days in bed, things will someday come out in our favor.

[hadriel - ic inbox]

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